Have you seen X-Men? Or Shrek? The hulk? I can’t think what it is in the back of my mind that I’m recalling, but there’s something where something comes over the hero, something unstoppable that he can’t control that takes over his body. One of those “Incredible Hulk” deals. That was the feeling I just had, only it was of a less violent but perhaps more tragic nature.
I felt it coming on, htat dreaded, that horrid, that thing I hate above all else, depression. I hate it so much. I realized that I was getting angry and sad about something that wasn’t completely worth it, and that then I was heading down a familiar trail- one of those well-worn ones that is usually about self-pity but always feels justified at the time. This time it was about how much I hate it when Mum thinks I’m lying, or doubts my integrity. That really makes my blood boil. If there’s one thing I can always hold on to it’s the knowledge that I am telling the truth, and when someone doubts that, I feel empty and vulnerable, and I want to hit something. I know I’m being truthful. Why don’t they (she)?
It makes me furious.
But anyway, I felt the depression coming on. I have journalled about this for the past ten months or so. It isn’t pms and it isn’t just hormones. It’s real. I get depressed. This does not mean it’s something I can’t work on, or shouldn’t work on, it simply means I don’t control it, at least as of yet.
But I felt it coming on and I just thought oh no oh no oh no. Not now. It can’t be. I was doing so well. Why now? But here’s a question…
I will never forget in Anne of Green Gables when Anne says she is “in the depths of despair”, and Marilla says that such is a sin; to despair, she says, is to “turn our back on God.”
Is that true? Is being depressed a sin? Or am I allowing the devil into my head to tell me that it is, to tear me up inside, and if so, is that a sin? I don’t know, and I don’t know where to turn. I pray and pray but so far God hasn’t seen fit to pull me through this. I’ll never doubt that he is with me throughout, but I don’t understand yet why he hasn’t taken my hand and just dragged me to the other side of this chasm. I can’t understand it, but I guess we usually aren’t meant to. Anyway, I’m signing off. It’s nearly one in the morning and I need to sleep. Maybe that will help.
In Christ, Lydia